On Passwords

My daughter’s at the age while she will stand in the hallway with her arms outstretched and not let me by until I say the password. Most of the time I bend down to her height, look her in the eye and she tells me the password and then I have to say it. She really enjoys changing the password every time. It’s thrilling to her when I say the password that she creates.

One morning she told me a password that she wanted me to say at Camp pickup. So that afternoon I got to the Gate and said the password. She was delighted. It was an instant connection for us. Almost like getting into an email inbox or a bank account with a password. But so much deeper, richer and more meaningful. I got access to my sweet child. Such connection comes from a password.

So she had fun changing the password every day. And I did my best during the day to remember the password. On the fourth day she shared some news with me.

“Remember, the password is different every day.”

She’s also at the age where she will say something to me the first time as if she’s said it before. As if I should already know. She’s right though, I should already know.

I should know that the password changes every day. That today is not the same as yesterday. That the ways I connect with my daughter today are different than the ways I connected with her yesterday. The things that worked yesterday may not work today. This is why there is no parenting book that can answer all of my questions that I want answered. There Is no playbook, instruction manual or script. This is why as much as I crave and create routine and structure and rhythm, I still will have to flex.

Remembering passwords has never ever ever been my strength. Much like finding my phone or my flip flops or my glass of water has never been my strength. It’s kind of liberating knowing that according to my daughter, the password changes every day. I do not need to remember the password from one day to the next. I just need to remember it, and live it, one day and one moment at a time.

and this truth applies way beyond parenting. My personal needs one day may be different the next day. The way I interact with a family member one day may be different the next. I may connect with someone one day who has things going on that I never could imagine. If I remember that the password is different every day, I will find new, meaningful ways to connect based on what is happening in the moment. Instead of past experiences guiding formulaic interactions.

from the mouth of my daughter I have gained access to such wisdom to be present. To be true to the moment. To be true to the need that the moment brings. My mind may race going through all the passwords for clues to the new passwords. And that is OK. I may have to enter a few different passwords to make sure it’s strong enough.

Good things, darling.

remember, the password is different every day.

how will the idea of an ever changing password to fit into your life? How will it guide your communication with your children? Family? Partner? Self?