Get on the floor and play
Well hello sweet soul. I promised myself and a host of other witnesses - including a dear friend - that I would post on this here blog this week. And here I am going it. Today. Today. Not just any day, this one. It feels good to be back. SO much has happened. Let me give you a little overview of what’s been happening in this sweet life of mine. I’ll tell you one thing today and more things in the days and weeks to come.
We moved my father and uncle into a skilled nursing facility in April. I share here on this pink page with red words. It feels easy to write about and it was so hard to live. It was and is “brutiful” as the dearheart Glennon Doyle would say. Part brutal. Part beautiful. Having them in the right place at the right level of care in an environment that is so loving and so clean and so beautiful feels so good. Finally. Even though there’s so much sadness in seeing my dad go through what he is going through with the weight of chronic disease hanging over him. Even though I see grandfathers at dropoff and pickup at my kids’ school and it breaks my heart a little each time that mine can’t do that, that he can’t experience that. But he did get on the floor and play with them every single time he saw them - for years - up until he couldn’t. Even when it was hard for him. Even when he dozed off on the floor. And I will treasure all of this always. And I know he will too. And I know they will too. Brutiful tears fall down my face as I write this.
So I ask you: what will you do with the ones you love today? Get on the floor with them. Get in there and show them you love them. Play with them in the language they are playing.
I have often regretted not keeping this blog active during this past chapter of life. As I write this with one sweet exhale I realize I was doing my version of “getting on the floor and playing” that life asked of me at the time. I was driving to neurologists and cardiologists. I was answering emergency phone calls from the assisted living that delivered far less than they said they would. I was navigating legal, financial and family dynamics to move mountains to get them into this new home. And through it all, savoring the sweetness of moments with my sweet dad. And so. Much. More.
Good things, darling.
October’s Song
I hear the words
that want to be written
on this page
landing in the space
around me
within me
‘til pen makes them
real, felt, experienced
forever
leather
existence
not at my insistence
made possible by my
surrender
I’m glad September’s gone
I’m here for October’s song
playing its notes one at a time
at first it seems out of tune
and then later I hear
the perfection
infections heal
mysteries reveal
building resilience
shining pure brilliance
deep peace within
we are all next of kin
staying open to the gifts i’m given
that don’t look like gifts
give me a hint
give me a clue
tell me it’ll all be okay
everything will be fine
shine darling shine
October’s song is here to stay
this is your day, darling
this is your day
-Melissa Renzi
October 3, 2022
Amherst, MA
The Moon Awaits
Mourning the loss of yesterday’s moon
Tomorrow comes way too soon
Holding onto the stuff of the past
Grasping and clenching
My God, make it last
Today is so precious, today is the gift
Watching time’s bottle - sift, sift, sift
A whole entire lifetime in each grain of sand
This glorious time here on this land
Do it my darling, hold your love’s hand
Breathe in the sweetness
Swim in the sea
Listen to a seashell
My love, that is Me
Calling you back to the heart that is yours
Woken from slumber, drunken by snores
Open your eyes to the here and the now
Feel the amazement, the glory, the wow
Let yesterday go - slow, slow, slow
Ease your way into the beautiful flow
Time standing still, surrender your will
Don’t wait for tomorrow
For that is pure sorrow
Turn off the clocks
Sail away from the docks
The moon awaits
When you open the gates
Savor the sweetness
Of each and every day
You’re doing it darling
That’s how you play
-Melissa Renzi
Sharon, VT + Hadley, MA
August 20, 2022
Good Things, Sweet Child
Good things, sweet child
Sometimes life is pretty wild
Sometimes it’s chill — a little mild
My wish is that you hold a feather in your heart
A feather that floats and flies
No matter what life tries
Stay true to that lightness with all of your might
Remember the Ease and Grace that you are
My shining, shining star
Good things, sweet child
I love you through and through
There’s nothing more majestic
Than you brilliant you
Your eyes hold the light
Of the whole entire world
Your heart holds the answers
Of a million tiny dancers
My wish is that you dance
Every time you get a chance
Express the beauty that you are
Radiate your love from home to afar
Good things, sweet child
It’s been a while since I’ve held your hand
Things are different now, I’m no longer on land
I am the sky and the moon and the stars
You might see me when you’re dreaming of Mars
My hope is that you know how loved you are
My precious child, lightning in a jar
If only we could bottle
The brilliance of your love
If only you could see me
Fitting your life like a glove
I am with you my darling
Day in and day out
Together let’s do this
Come laughter or shout
May you know the truth of my being
May it guide you and all of your seeing
Good things, sweet child
You’re my dream come true
The rainbow is but a reflection of you
Your colors paint the sky with your light
Your perfect beauty so timeless and bright
I’ll follow your lead to the end of the earth
I’ve loved you forever — far before birth
These words are arriving from a place far beyond
Here to capture the strength of our forever bond
I’m holding you angel, close in my heart
Good things, sweet child
Good things
-Melissa Renzi
March 14, 2022
Amherst, MA
Christmas Calls
The colors on the Christmas tree
Alive and singing like you and me
Red for the hearts pumping pure love
Green for the forest— home of the dove
Pink for the sweetness of each and every moment
Blue for the sky— keeper of the infinite
Orange for the flame lighting the way
Wow these lights have so much to say
‘Tis The season to abandon reason
To listen to the wisdom of the womb
Birthing the world again and again
Brand new every second
Angels sing in exaltation
Born today a holy nation
United by Love
Snowflakes fall
Deck the halls
Christmas calls
-Melissa Renzi
Merry Christmas ❤️🎄❤️
A Flowering Cactus
Untangling the knots of my heart
Can I wrangle these thoughts?
All the shoulds and oughts
Can I soften the bumps?
Smooth out all the places I stumble
Again and again and again
When will I remember that these voices
Are not my choices
They are the echo of the outside world
Old hurts and wounds
Reverberating in my cracks and caverns
Hiding my treasures
Weighing down my feathers
It’s so easy to forget
And harder to remember
The truth of the Love that I am
That we all are
A whole sky full of shining stars
Remembering is a practice
A flowering cactus
Healing the hurt
This is the work
-Melissa Renzi
July 3, 2021
Amherst, MA
Firsts and lasts
Today’s my first day wearing reading glasses. Tonight is my first night I will wear my night guard on my teeth. So many firsts, so many lasts. These are the easy ones to notice.
are you noticing your firsts?
acknowledging your lasts?
good things, darling
The best parties are unplanned
I am back after my first blogging hiatus. It was totally unplanned. It got me thinking about the difference between a planned break and an unplanned break. I took four days off from posting. One was for a very practical reason, I am very involved in a family move. A deeply beautiful and complex collaborative process where we are all working together to move two aging family members. There’s so much involved in that my time spent for blogging was often spent on that. I am grateful to be of service and that there’s so much forward movement happening for the highest good of all concerned.
And that’s not the only reason I didn’t post. Yesterday I presented at an altMBA alumni group called the Opal book club. I was asked by its founder, Yorg, to present. He asked me in May when July was in the distant future. I was so honored and excited to be asked, knowing that a deadline is always so motivating to me and that this opportunity could be a potential launch pad for the work I wanted to do coming out of altMBA. The opportunity to pull my ideas together into a talk. But what would I talk about and focus on? As the weeks and days came closer I found myself swirling with ideas. By the time he asked me for my theme, The deadline came and went. One day I checked my slack and got a notification from Yorg. In a very friendly way he said that he took the liberty of choosing a topic from my blog. He gave me a link to the agenda for the Meeting where I would be presented. Much to my surprise and delight, he chose “Love More Today” from the poem I wrote for and inspired by my dear friend Danay who had transitioned a year ago.
yesterday was the big talk! I did it! And afterwards I welled up with tears and said, “we did it!” To Danay.
I think that there was something energetically leading up to that talk that caused me to need to give myself space from blogging. I did not realize that ahead of time but the creative momentum leading up to it took a lot of space. In addition a lot of the logistics for the family move.
I trust the process of life and I’m open to the end and flow of my own energy, my creative process and world rising up to call me to serve.
when I thought of the word unplanned at the beginning of this post I thought of Gemma, my mentor and darling darling friend, the world renowned artist Gemma Taccogna. She always said the best parties are unplanned. So I like to think of my little hiatus as a party. An unplanned party that unfolded beautifully, exactly the way it needed to. And I will also give myself the space and grace to take planned breaks as needed and wanted.
good things, darling.
PS darling readers. This post was written on my couch and dictated with my children within earshot. They were busy each in their play areas. And my son asked me about the word transition that he heard me saying. It led to a beautiful conversation. It was my first time ever attempting to blog that way and I am open to wrapping my arms around blogging and my children and life and death and family and all of it. Not waiting until the very end of the day made this post happen. Progress. Growth. Learning.
The Emerald City of the Soul
Sweet child, you asked how to get to the Emerald City
You wondered if it was real
How can I tell you that there’s nothing more real
Than what you feel
That what’s real in your imagination
Is way more beautiful than any external thing
That the hope in your heart
Will get you farther than any car
That the map of your mind
Will lead you places true for you
That the song of your soul,
If you listen,
Will keep you whole
I want the world for you
And i want you for the world
Share the gift that you are
My shining, shining star
The sparkle in your eye
The light in your expression
The magic of your mission
Follow the yellow brick road
To the Emerald City of the Soul
The path will appear
One brick at a time
Follow your inner gold
And you’ll never get old
Sweet child, stay wild
Please keep asking the questions of your heart
I promise to listen
And stay quiet
So you can hear the answers
Like graceful dancers
Coming into your awareness
I’ll give you the space to see them
To see you
So you can stay true
To you, majestic you
-Melissa Renzi
July 16, 2021
Amherst, MA
Yesterday my daughter Eva asked me how to get to the Emerald City. Last night I wrote about that experience to share with her. This morning I wrote this poem about it. This writing process, this sharing, this listening is Me following the yellow brick road to the Emerald City of the Soul.
For Eva on her 20th birthday
Dear Eva,
You are four and three quarters. today after camp I invited you on a date. We went to get ice cream. You got one scoop, half chocolate and half strawberry. I got Half strawberry and half vanilla. We each had a mini carrot cake cupcake. And we shared a hibiscus iced tea. Really I got myself the ice tea but as soon as I had one sip I knew you would love it. I gave you a sip and you loved it so much. We ended up sharing it and we put half in your water bottle. We sat together at the green table under the tree, the table you chose. When we finished eating we kind of sat there for a while saying nothing. You snuggled up against me as you drink your hibiscus tea and we watched the road and the trees. Afterwards you practiced running to different destinations on your own without holding my hand. The wheelbarrow! The cow! I’ve had you holding my hand quite close these days after you ran so far away from me after camp a few weeks ago. Way too far.
Driving home we listened to our favorite radio station. Over the music you told me that you want to go to the emerald city. The real emerald city.
GG (my mom) visited recently and read you and Patrick the whole Wizard of Oz. Day by day and night by night you read the whole book together. Ever since then you have been dressing up as Dorothy, pulling together pieces of the costume from things around the house. The blue and white wrap dress daddy got you from Topanga on his work trip, that’s your Dorothy dress. You got a big basket from the garage, The basket we used in our wedding in the bathroom to offer guests special items they might need. You also got a white cloth to put inside. And your soft blue unicorn, also from Daddy’s work trip, that is your Toto. You did all of this before camp one day. These are the reasons it takes us so long to get out the door and at the same time your freedom to express yourself and make some thing from nothing is such a gift. (you haven’t seen the movie yet and I am so grateful for that.)
And now you are ready for emerald city. You told me that you know it’s real but that you don’t know how to get there. You asked me how to get there. I said I don’t know how do you think you could get there? You said I don’t know let’s ask the scientists. (I’m guessing that’s because You spent the last 16+ months as a child of a pandemic.)
I said sometimes when I want to know something I ask my heart. You said, I don’t know how to ask my heart. I paused contemplating my answer to that and then realized I didn’t need to.
then Peter Gabriel, in your eyes, came on the radio. I turned it up and started singing along. You asked me to stop singing along. So I did. I slowly saw you having an aha moment. You said, that’s it. That’s it. That’s it. That’s it!
Oh how I wanted to know what it was! Did you find the answer to where Emerald City was in your heart? Did Peter Gabriel help you get there? I wondered and waited. I did not say anything yet.
I will go to Emerald city for my 20th birthday, you announced. The whole family will go. We will take an airplane but I don’t know where it is or how to get there. I will be Dorothy and you can be the lion. Can you ask Sofie to make you a costume? (Sofie is our neighbor who is 10. She lives around the corner and knows how to sew.)
Sweet girl, I will show you this when you are 20. I will tell you that the emerald city is inside you. We will look back and realize how real the emerald city was and is and how alive it is in your imagination and in your heart.
We have A decade and a half of birthdays before you turn 20. In a few months you will turn five and we will have a wedding cake just like you requested. I can’t wait to keep listening to you talk to me while you’re in the car seat in the backseat. I hope I remember how much I learn from you when we have one to one time. I hope I remember to keep listening to what you are wondering about. I hope that when you do go to the emerald city that you take me with you. Or at least send me a postcard.
with love, from the Emerald City of my heart,
Mommy
July 15, 2021
Bedtime routine
One of those days where there’s just so much going on. Too much to capture here and things not ready to be shared yet. So much change and forward motion. This is when routine is the most important.
Making sure I post something here. And then I will go brush and floss. Get in bed. Lights out.
Gratitude, acknowledgment and forgiveness for the day. Perhaps I will do some reading by booklight, my favorite way. I’m currently reading anatomy of the spirit by Caroline Myss.
That’s all. That’s everything.
Good things, darling.
On Passwords
My daughter’s at the age while she will stand in the hallway with her arms outstretched and not let me by until I say the password. Most of the time I bend down to her height, look her in the eye and she tells me the password and then I have to say it. She really enjoys changing the password every time. It’s thrilling to her when I say the password that she creates.
One morning she told me a password that she wanted me to say at Camp pickup. So that afternoon I got to the Gate and said the password. She was delighted. It was an instant connection for us. Almost like getting into an email inbox or a bank account with a password. But so much deeper, richer and more meaningful. I got access to my sweet child. Such connection comes from a password.
So she had fun changing the password every day. And I did my best during the day to remember the password. On the fourth day she shared some news with me.
“Remember, the password is different every day.”
She’s also at the age where she will say something to me the first time as if she’s said it before. As if I should already know. She’s right though, I should already know.
I should know that the password changes every day. That today is not the same as yesterday. That the ways I connect with my daughter today are different than the ways I connected with her yesterday. The things that worked yesterday may not work today. This is why there is no parenting book that can answer all of my questions that I want answered. There Is no playbook, instruction manual or script. This is why as much as I crave and create routine and structure and rhythm, I still will have to flex.
Remembering passwords has never ever ever been my strength. Much like finding my phone or my flip flops or my glass of water has never been my strength. It’s kind of liberating knowing that according to my daughter, the password changes every day. I do not need to remember the password from one day to the next. I just need to remember it, and live it, one day and one moment at a time.
and this truth applies way beyond parenting. My personal needs one day may be different the next day. The way I interact with a family member one day may be different the next. I may connect with someone one day who has things going on that I never could imagine. If I remember that the password is different every day, I will find new, meaningful ways to connect based on what is happening in the moment. Instead of past experiences guiding formulaic interactions.
from the mouth of my daughter I have gained access to such wisdom to be present. To be true to the moment. To be true to the need that the moment brings. My mind may race going through all the passwords for clues to the new passwords. And that is OK. I may have to enter a few different passwords to make sure it’s strong enough.
Good things, darling.
remember, the password is different every day.
how will the idea of an ever changing password to fit into your life? How will it guide your communication with your children? Family? Partner? Self?
Hallelujah
Sharing the song that’s in my heart right now. Hallelujah.
Jeff Buckley introduced this song to me and it’s been the anthem of different chapters of my life in different ways.
19 and in college, Lewisburg, PA and soaking in everything new including my friend Shannon’s love of Leonard Cohen (who I only later discovered wrote Hallelujah)
22 and living in NJ and taking the train into “the City” - NYC - to take a class in advertising at an ad agency - connecting with another student who loved all my ideas and he reminded me of what I imagined Jeff Buckley to be life and we bonded over Jeff Buckley. I can’t remember his name but I remember how his appreciation made me feel. Seen.
27 and newly single living alone in Southern California - blaring Jeff Buckley’s Grace in my car with the windows down and my heart volume up all the way - aaaah there I am
38 and home from working all day, reconnecting with my 2 year old as we walk to the “swing house” in our West LA neighborhood, phone in the blue push car cupholder, Patrick “driving” listening to Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah. That night standing in the corner of his crib waiting for me as I went into the other room to get something, Patrick sang Hallelujah in his 2-year-old voice.
44 and right now, at my desk in Amherst, MA, wanting to share a piece of my heart with you that is so beyond words. So I will share this. This version of Hallelujah by Andrea Bocelli and his daughter Virginia. This is the sound that kicks off all of our USM weekends and I am admittedly dashing around getting myself ready so I haven’t fully landed to soak it in just yet. Tonight after class ended I felt called to look it up and watch the whole thing. And here I am sharing this heart opening with you.
Music has the power to remind us who we are, bring us to life, awaken parts of ourselves.
What song reminds you who you are?
In new ways in each chapter of your life? By different artists? Or the same?
Heaven is…
Last month this time I was in an airBNB called Heaven. It was quite heavenly. I booked it for that reason.
When I got home, I realized Heaven is not a place I rent by the day. It’s not a place I go. It’s a place I am. It’s my home sweet home. And today, I learned more about this. On such a deeper, profound level. Through the sleepy morning words of the 4-and-3-quarter year old cuddler in my bed, my daughter Eva.
Snuggled in between me and my husband with Patrick on my right and Fishy (our cat) at our feet, she said to me:
“Heaven is hugging you.”
And then, quietly…
“You are heaven.”
“I am heaven.”
Thank you, sweet girl, for reminding me who I am. And for knowing who you are.
Yes, you are heaven.
Heaven is hugging you. As in - hugging you is a heavenly experience. That’s how I took it to mean this morning.
And then as the day progressed - month four of University of Santa Monica Consciousness Health and Radiant Healing - it struck me that perhaps she meant “Heaven is hugging you” as in you are supported by heaven. You are met. You are held. Heaven has its arms wrapped around you in a loving embrace.
Aaaaah.
Yessss.
Heaven is hugging me.
Heaven is hugging you.
Heaven is hugging us all.
You are heaven.
I am heaven.
We are heaven.
What would life look life if I could remember this again and again and again?
What if you could?
It’s a practice of remembering.
How do you remember?
Ever have that feeling?
“Mom, do you ever have that feeling where you’re excited to be a human? Where you’re like woo hoo!”
-Patrick
8 years 9 months
July 9, 2021
Today’s words of wisdom come from my sweet son. More than 8. Less than 9. Ageless, timeless, wise. That feeling is all I ever want for you. That lust for life. The joy of living. Aaah, yes. I have had that feeling. Thankyou for reminding me what that feels like.
Have you ever had that feeling? what does it feel like? When do you feel that way? What makes you feel alive? Do that.
Woohoo.
Good things, darling.
The Funnel of Words
Hi, I’m just here to show up and honor the commitment. So much to say and nothing at the same time. Too much happening to capture into the funnel of words right now. I’m letting this be enough right now. Letting things swirl and settle and be and heal and fall into place.
Be Silently Drawn
Today I need and want to be still. A moment of time in between so many things happening, plates shifting. A little inspiration for you. I will meditate on this Rumi inspiration after I hit publish. I offer you the same.
“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.” -Rumi
It’s so important to press pause in the middle of all the playing and all the rewinding and all the fast forwarding. Pausing is essential to every act of creation. And now, I press pause.
Love more today
Inspired by and in honor of Danay DiVirgilio
Love more today
Not tomorrow, not yesterday, not next year
Love more today
This very second, right now
You can do it, I believe in you
Be present with the feelings
All of them, all of you
This is not new
Since the beginning of time
In the infinity that is and was always
There is only one thing
And that thing is Love
Love more today
Not tomorrow, not yesterday, not next year
I see you, I hear you, I love you
I feel your Love, I feel your fear
I see you shedding a tear
All the Love you’re withholding
Give it up, give it away, let it go
Your life is unfolding
Love more today
Really, it is the only way
Close your eyes, yes, let’s do it right now
Send your love to someone who needs it the most
Send your love to someone who is easy to love
Now to someone who is hard to love
See, love doesn’t know the difference
Love is the great equalizer
Breaking through barriers of time and space
With total ease and infinite grace
Love is bigger than here and now
Love is wonder, love is how.
Love is deeper than good or bad
It’s so much wider than happy or sad
Love is not a drop in the ocean
Love is the ocean
So love more today
Not tomorrow, not yesterday, not next year
Really darling, there is nothing to fear
Open your eyes to the wisdom of love
See the world through its freedom, a dove
From high up above and all the way down
Love the whole rainbow, love the whole town
Love the sadness and love the grief
Love the Joy and love the belief
That Love is forever
And before I go, I want you to know:
It is okay to laugh and it is okay to cry
It is okay to ask “Why?”
Yes, really I ask you, I ask you to try
To love more today
In honor of the Spirit that is Danay
-Melissa Renzi
Amherst, MA
July 2020
*The words “Love more today” first appeared in an email from Michael DiVirgilio, sharing the news of Danay’s transition with family and friends. He asked friends to “Love More Today” as a way to honor her memory.
PS - I wrote this poem just days after Danay’s transition last summer. I read it at the memorial service under the trees in her backyard. Her presence was felt that day in the palpable Love that was there. And in the breeze of the trees above. Today it is a year. Honoring this beautiful human, friend, teacher, mother, mama. It was such a joy knowing you, friend. I treasure you always. Thank you for showing up in all the ways you do in my life and in the life of so many.
Good things, darling.
Love more today.
She makes water
Thank the God.
I know God.
God is the biggest invisible person in the world.
She makes water.
-Eva
4 years 9 months old
June 25, 2021
I often wonder if I’m doing enough to share my spirituality with my children. My daughter answered this wondering the other day, completely unprompted. She said this to me after saying blessing at lunchtime the other day.
I am grateful that I ran and got a piece of paper soon after and wrote it down. In her exact words. She’s at the age where so much pure magic is coming out of her heart and mouth and to capture it, receive it, preserve it is such a gift. It’s few and far between that I am able to actually capture it, like a shooting star or the last moment of sunset. Blink and you miss it. I’m glad my eyes, ears and heart were open. It’s a gift to share this with you.
Good things, darling.